MY STORY - Chapter 23 Full Circle

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I began this story in 1938 and am finishing it in 2008. Is it possible to cover 70 years in a few pages, absolutely not, but I hope I have managed to convey the nuts and bolts of the amazing journey that God has taken me on. He has plans for every one of us and this one just happens to be mine. It has been exciting, amazing, painful, and traumatic and every other emotion that one can imagine, in other words, normal. There are events and circumstances that I have not been able to disclose in order to protect the privacy of others but what I have disclosed is for the sole purpose of showing the faithfulness and constancy of God. He never gives up on us; He knows what is best for us to bring each one of us into all that the Bible promises us. He is a God that can be trusted and His desire is for us to know our completeness in Him. So in a nutshell what are some of the things I have learned on this journey?

I can thank God for every minute and not regret a thing. Even the times of mistakes and suffering are redemptive, not only for us but also for the people God brings into our lives.

I know that feelings are not reality, they are just that – feelings. At times there can be a great difference between what we know to be true and what we feel and the enemy is very quick to use these situations. These are the moments to get back to faith and believe against all feelings and appearances. These feelings are very often our calling card to get us back into alignment with God.

I know that His life within us can accomplish all that we cannot do of ourselves. Even Jesus said, “Of myself I can do nothing”. I have learned that God allows us to try until we come to the end of ourselves then as we give up then God takes over.

I know that we can trust Him in all things and that He will never let us down.

He always answers prayer, but not always with the answers that we want, rather the answers that will grow us up into maturity in Him as He knows the beginning from the end.

I have come to see that there are seasons in our journey and we benefit most as we give ourselves to whatever season God takes us into. Seasons can be many things. A new church, a new vision, an alone time, health problems and many more. His timing is perfect.

He positions the right people and the right circumstances for every event. About 1997 in one of the quieter and more alone times in my life I decided to do a year long course in Therapeutic Massage. I had no thoughts at the time other than a whole year of free massages as we practiced on each other. Little did I realise that I would end up treating clients and that many of these times would be times of sharing my faith as people opened up about their lives while on the couch.

I know that God never closes one door without opening another. We can make our plans if we are walking in His way and there is nothing wrong in that because we know that God is behind those plans willing our actions every step of the way, but that does not mean that everything will turn out the way we think it will. God has ways of getting our focus on Him and it often comes from what looks like our own confusion and mess. The paradox in this is that God allows this seemingly confusion and mess. He is after a minute by minute walk of faith, trusting every moment to Him. As the Bible tells us that which was meant for evil, God means for good.

He desires that we see ourselves perfect and complete in Him and the more we believe this the more we will see the evidence in our lives. We are vessels to contain deity and God picks up the broken and cracked pots of our lives and moulds them into something worthy of His indwelling. I could go on and on but instead will return to where we are now.

You may remember that I talked about our involvement in the house church movement in chapter 13. We are now again in a pioneering situation. A new church grew up out of the remnants of our old house church in the 70’s/80’s. This was not a house church but a large church that met in the hall of the Christian school that we began in the mid-seventies. There are 17 houses in my street that are part of this church. The Community church that we became a part of when returning to fellowship in our immediate area were very much in relationship with this church and the Pastor lived next door to us.

About 4 years ago this very local church were called by God to break down again into house churches. This was where we came in; this was why we came to live in our house in the first place, so with the blessing of our then Pastor and leadership, we came full circle and returned to the house church set-up. Many lessons have been learned since the old days but we are still very much in a pioneering situation, learning what “church” is really all about. I know that church is a body of believers and not a building and that it is very much about relationships and 24/7 living, so we continue to seek God as to what He has for us in this situation and this community. We are stepping ‘outside of the box’ and ‘off the road map’ and again find ourselves in a place where trusting God is our only option.

I could not finish this story without a mention of our Grandchild. We waited a very long time to be proud grandparents, and it wasn’t until we were that I understood the sentiments of many other grandparents that I knew over the years. I was so overwhelmed by love for this child in a way that I had not expected. In my years of waiting, hoping and praying I had never imagined anything other than excitement, being in denial I guess to the prospect of harrowing problems. When my daughter was diagnosed as a high risk for Down’s syndrome with abortion suggested, it came as a complete shock. I was so proud of my daughter’s decision to carry on with her pregnancy no matter what. In fact she said, “A Downs’ baby would still be a baby to love”

As it happened Oliver was not born with Down’s syndrome and it makes one wonder how many healthy children are aborted in this way. He was however born a very sick baby. This is Jane’s story and not mine so I will mention only the briefest of details. After a very long and difficult birth Oliver was born not breathing but he was quickly resuscitated when a doctor was called. He was however suffering from Septicaemia and had to stay in hospital and undergo a brain scan, lumbar puncture and numerous other unpleasant tests. On visiting I prayed over him that his little body would have no memories of what he was going through. At this point a strong prayer support went into operation, not only in my country but through a number of contacts in Africa, France and the U.S.A. I was not in denial any longer but wondering if all of my dreams had been shattered, and as any parent knows how difficult it is to watch one’s own child suffer no matter how old they are. However, thanks to prayer and the quick intervention of the medical staff, Oliver recovered and is now a happy, bright and adorable 20 month old. Another learning curve that things do not always go the way we think they will in this life. How reassuring it is to know that we have a God we can depend on no matter what the outcome in these painful situations.

So in wrapping up my story I will leave you with a few of the Scriptures and quotes which have been and are very meaningful to me.

James 1: 2-4

‘Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish it’s work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything’

Galations 8:17

‘We are co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in His sufferings, in order that we may share in His Glory’

Thessalonians 5:18

‘Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Jesus Christ’

Galations 2:20

‘I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live but Christ lives in me and the life which I now live in the flesh I live b y the faith of the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me’

Paul Claudel

‘Jesus did not come to explain away suffering or to remove it. He came to fill it with His presence’

Corrie ten Boom wrote:

‘Every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives is the perfect preparation for the future that only God can see’

Norman Grubb, my late missionary friend wrote:

‘As Christians every situation we go through is God’s perfect will.
It is precisely the necessary one so praise God for each situation.
Accept yourself exactly how you are and how you feel.
We have to be content with what He chooses for us at this moment.
You cannot tell what God has for you, or what future purpose He might have in the experience that you are going through right now.
Just keep doing what you feel at the present He is giving you to do. He has perfect purpose for all that is happening to you, even if at the moment it is not clear.
The single eye of faith enables us to remain free within,
regardless of outward circumstances.
We are to accept fully the situation at the moment and the way we feel towards it,
Knowing that it is for the purpose of manifesting His Life in us.
Because He was determined to take us this way.
He does not see the confusion, heaviness or perplexity,
But only His next step in His perfect plan.
And He is the one who will bring it to pass.



THE END
OF THE STORY
BUT NOT
THE END OF THE JOURNEY

……..as the Apostle Paul said, “I press on to the goal that is set before me”

MY STORY - Chapter 22 - A Moving of the Spirit

During the 90’s there was a very strong influence on many people and churches across the world, namely the “Toronto Blessing”. We were not involved with this as God had us focused on the direction that He had given to us at that time.

It became so widespread, affecting churches and groups of all denominations, congregations, leaders, pastors and vicars alike, young and old, that I began to seek God as to whether we were missing out through not being involved. There were people that thought we were. The ‘blessing’ appeared to be an outer experience but those involved said that they were much more in touch with God and renewed in their spiritual walk and it had increased their hunger for God. I could not deny that God was doing something and He was certainly getting people’s attention and giving them a sign of His power. I had been very involved in the early days of the Charismatic renewal in the 60’s so it was not entirely new to me, but those days were on a much smaller scale as people did not travel like they do now. I did know that I did not have to be actively involved in this ‘blessing’ in order to experience the by-products as I believe that in God we live and move and have our very being. I know that trusting His life in me would bring me into all that God had and desired for me. I know that His life brings us into a day in, day out lived out life of constancy in the Holy Spirit where ‘blessing’ takes on a whole new meaning as Jesus Christ through us strives to see Himself formed in all of created beings. Do hear my heart, I am not in any way speaking out against the “Toronto Blessing” but sharing where I was on my journey at that time.

Moving on in to the new millennium, God proved yet again that we never miss out in this life of faith if we are trusting in Him for He has His times and seasons for everything in our lives.

During the summer of 2001 I was sitting at my computer one day when I received an E-mail from a total stranger who I will call Jenny. Without going into details of the E-mail I wasn’t really sure how it involved me. I replied saying, “Who are you, who do you fellowship with and how did you get my address?” Not friendly at all, in fact I was quite indignant. In that moment I heard God’s voice so clearly it caused me to take notice. I heard God say, “Keep an open mind or you might miss something.” I received a reply from Jenny stating that a ministry package was in the post. Believing that I had heard God speak I was intrigued enough to eagerly await the arrival of the package, but also to know how this person from Ohio had come by my address. I eventually found out that it had come about through Jenny’s contact with a Christian travel agent who knew a friend of mine from the States who had visited with me on a number of occasions. The problem was that my friend who is busy and travels a lot with her own ministry had forgotten to tell me.

It turned out that Jenny was a church pastor and evangelist and she had received a number of prophecies from different sources stating that she would be going to London to minister. The package duly arrived and after being touched and stirred in my spirit when listening to the tapes, I eagerly devoured the accompanying book and could not put it down, finishing it within 24 hours. The only time I have been glad to be stuck in a long traffic jam. I knew that if she was coming to London then I wanted to meet her. Having had nothing more than a word from God and a rising in her spirit, Jenny and her ministry helper, who I will call Joan, had booked on a tour to London where on arrival they were going to part from the tour group, visit some churches and see what God did in the situation. However, due to unforeseen circumstances the tour was cancelled. It was after this event that Jenny contacted the Christian travel agent. Plans had been made for them to stay in a hotel in London and she had made contact with me in the hope that I would go and meet with her giving her a contact in London. I agreed to do this and a date was fixed. This seemed quite easy and straight forward at the time but none of us knew the implications of 9/11.

Jenny and Joan were at the airport waiting for their American Airlines internal flight when the first plane flew into the twin towers in New York City. Needless to say everything was cancelled and nobody knew how long it would be before aircraft would be flying out of the States across the Atlantic again. The priority anyhow was to get stranded people home. As it happened, and obviously after much prayer, the travel agent finally found seats on a plane for about 10 days later. In view of the event money for the hotel stay had been refunded. At this point I suggested to Jenny and Joan that they forget about booking a hotel and come and stay at my house instead. They agreed in amazement as they had never stayed in the house of a stranger before.

I organised various meetings for them both in my home and at various churches that I had contact with. Our Pastor had by then listened to the tapes and the first meeting was in our own church. During ministry time I was prayed for and immediately fell to the floor. Jenny turned and said, “Look at your hands Barbara, they are covered in oil” When I eventually looked, not only was there oil but gold dust too. I had heard of people manifesting gold dust but never oil. It was not something that I had asked for or gone seeking after. I realised in a new way that we cannot put God in a box, He does what He does in spite of us. My husband Alan had the same experience that same evening at a meeting at a friend’s house. We had four meetings that Sunday and the folk at the Russian church which consisted of refugees from the old Soviet Union were really hungry for God and during ministry time they all fell down like dominoes one after the other and most began speaking in tongues. The children fell down too and I knew it was real when I witnessed a baby prayed for and saw his head just fall back on his Mothers shoulder under the power of the Spirit.

I must make it clear that we do not talk about our own personal experience generally but I do so here because it is part of my spiritual journey and was another life changing event. It is not something I can take credit for, or make happen it is down to God. It’s not something I even think about it until it happens and most often it happens during praise and worship times. On asking God why and what it was for in our own lives, for Alan it came as a sign to pray for someone and for me more of a confirmation of something that God had put on my heart, be it a word, a prophecy or to pray for someone. Many times it has just been a confirmation of a real presence of the Spirit. I am glad that I heard God and responded that day just sitting at my computer.

There were 2 incidences shortly after this that I will relate as a picture of how God used this gift. Firstly a Russian Mother asked me if I would pray for her teenage son who was rebelling against God. On agreeing I first wanted to talk to him and ask his permission and on chatting with him it became evident that his studying of science was a hindrance to him believing. I boldly asked him if it would make any difference if God gave him a sign and he said maybe. In faith I held out my hands to him and they were covered in oil and gold dust. He sank to the floor, accepted Jesus as his Saviour and was immediately baptised in the Spirit. God confirmed to me that although the inner life was the most important, outer manifestations do have their place too.

Soon after that I was having coffee in Starbucks when I noticed a family with a very sick looking little girl who looked like she had Leukaemia or something. I suddenly felt pressed to pray for her. In the middle of Starbucks, what was I thinking! Panic rose up and I said to God, “If this is what you want, then give me confirmation”. Suddenly oil appeared on my hands and I knew that there was no turning back. When I approached the Mother she was very sharp with me telling me that her daughter was very sick but I should not worry as it was not catching. I explained that that was not what I was suggesting but I wondered if I could pray for her. She wanted to know who I was and for me it felt like it was getting more difficult by the minute. I told her which church I belonged to and she became very embarrassed and said that she thought that her child would not cope with being prayed for in such a public place. She did however sound very pleased when I asked if she would like my church to pray for her daughter. The following Sunday the whole church prayed for this little girl and I saw that I had been taught another lesson. It was for me to be obedient to God’s promptings and the outcome is entirely His responsibility. I had initially been tempted to think that I had got it all wrong but who knows what seeds were sown. A life of faith is about trusting and believing and taking the next step no matter how small and insignificant it might seem at the time.

So, for the next six years we hosted this lady in our home whenever she came to the UK and organised meetings for her until the time came when I felt that we had connected her up with enough groups and churches for her to be able to make her own arrangements. As far as this story goes I will be wrapping it up and bringing you up to the present day in the next and final chapter. It has been interesting during some of the writing to realise that I have been learning all over again from my own writing. God gives us revelation and then through life experiences causes us to learn to walk in those truths. He changes us from one degree of glory to the next.

MY STORY -Chapter 21 - Winding Down and Moving Off Again

Having spent some 8 years involved with the particular ministry that took me travelling around so much, the time came when the emphasis changed. Heavy shepherding emerged with a strong emphasis on the 12 step programme of A. A. After much agonising and prayer we knew that we could not continue in this direction so another parting of the waves took place. Writing a few sentences on the page here could never express the pain involved in this decision, but as I have written before, there are times and seasons in our faith journeys and God never closes one door without opening up another. These times of waiting for the opening of another door so often become precious times in the spirit as we trust in the wisdom of our God and learn to be content knowing that His ways are not our ways and that His timing is perfect. When busyness and activity cease and we are thrown back on God alone, we have opportunity to develop an intimacy with God that is so precious.

With time on my hands I decided I would like to do some studying. I enrolled on a Psychology course at the extra mural college attached to London University. Although it was not my original intention, I enjoyed it so much that I continued to attend class one day a week for 5 years filling in the rest of the study at home. I continued until I had a diploma in Foundations of Modern Psychology, Social Psychology, Personality, Intelligence and Motivation, Group Therapy and Scientific Method. I did not continue to full degree level as my life was becoming busy again as various doors opened.

After years travelling far away from home we began to feel led to return more to our own locality. My husband Alan also retired at this time so this in itself brought its own time of adjustments. It did mean however that we were able to travel together when we did go away from home. Our first opportunity arose when we were invited to a memorial service in Kentucky for our dear missionary friend who had died the previous year. We stayed for a month fellowshipping with local folk before spending time with other friends in Texas and then North Carolina on the way home.

The following year my daughter Jane and I flew out to the States for a visit beginning with a conference which took place in the grounds of our host’s spectacular home in Kentucky. Jane had come for two weeks and me for four. God used this time to teach me in real and hard situations some more truths of His word. I developed a severe flu like cold as soon as I arrived and when the conference was over my hosts had to leave town. They were going to a wedding and although I too was invited, I did not have the funds to pay for a last minute flight. At the same time my daughter was invited to fly to Los Angeles to stay with the daughter of our host. Obviously I would not have wanted her to miss this opportunity, but I did not find it easy staying alone in a very large house in the country and so far away from home. Another friend that I could have stayed with became very unwell having just returned from a mission trip to Africa so this was not really an option.

In my loneliness I phoned a relative of my host who had previously said that she would love for me to spend a few days with her. So, later that day found me driving in the Explorer that had very kindly been left for my use, to a beautiful house on a wooded hillside. That evening while eating at their country club the husband became ill and had to leave. On rising the next morning the wife was far from well, as was the daughter who had come over to visit. Everybody was needing only a bed and solitude so after breakfast I returned to my original hosts home for the day as I wanted to get on with doing what I could to bring their house back to normal after the conference. Cleaning and masses of laundry. Not something expected of me but a way for me to repay their hospitality. About 10.0 pm that evening I drove back through the woods to find the house in pitch darkness. The only light came from the car headlamps. My hosts, all being sick, had forgotten to leave any lights on for me. Now this was a large three storey house. Eventually I found my way in and after feeling around in the dark, in a very unusually shaped hallway, found a light switch.

That night alone at the top of this house I began to lose it emotionally. I spent a long time on the phone to my husband in England waking him up at some unearthly hour and running up a heavy credit card bill. Afterwards while wallowing in fear and self-pity I began to wonder if I should have made this trip at all. Eventually I came to the place where I asked God what He wanted to show me in all of this. As I heard Him speak I knew I had to write it down. I share it here as it was certainly a milestone in my journey. This was September 1996.


""GOD’S WAYS ARE NOT OUR WAYS


God’s ways are not our ways. So often we make what seems like perfect plans, only to find that nothing works out the way we thought it would. Everything seems a mess and we think that we are in the midst of complete and utter failure. Then what?

Once we get our eyes off the situation, and look to see what God is saying to us, the Spirit comes pouring through with fresh enlightenment, and we start to see the situation/problem through God’s eyes as we say that this was meant to be, this is His planning – not our failure (it’s like we are busy making the arrangements while God is busy making the plans). God’s got our attention again, the burden is lessened, the struggle is over and we can watch and see how God works the situation out. ""

I would like to be able to say that I walk and live in this all the time but mostly it comes after a time of frustration and coming to the end of my own self-effort.

A month later and back in the UK we had a small group meeting regularly in our home and over the years had made many contacts in the States so we continued to arrange meetings in our home whenever any of these traveling ministries visited us. We would also take them on itinerant ministry trips in this country. We also began attending a local church where we were quickly asked if we would lead a home group in our home. These visiting ministries also ministered in our church and links began to be formed. These trips are not a ‘life of Riley’ as some people think, there is often a price to pay when bringing the gospel to folk. What does one do for instance when arriving at a home you find the host had not included you in the invite and had omitted to make that clear? Well we graciously booked into a bed and breakfast farmhouse, we really had no choice, and amused ourselves for twenty-four hours before collecting our friends to continue the trip. This only ever happened once I am glad to say.

As did the time we drove 2 friends to Wales. They were staying with us on their way home to the States having spent quite some time on a mission trip in Africa. Our friend Max who was a doctor returned to this country with a severe form of Influenza which did not fully develop until we were sharing at meetings in Wales. The trip had to be aborted early and on the way home I developed a nasty cough which at the time I thought might be the result of motorway fumes. However I awoke the next morning with a high fever and feeling very unwell. The house was silent and when I went to investigate there were three of us all extremely unwell with this virus from Africa. Only my husband was still on his feet. This knocked me out right over Christmas, the only Christmas I have ever spent in bed not even caring what day it was, and it was 6 weeks before I felt fit again. This was just in time to take off on another trip to drive some other ministering guests to Cornwall.

Not long after this while at church one Sunday I went to chat with a lady at the back who I had never seen before. It turned out she was Russian and could not speak English but her children were able to interpret. She had come to this country with her children as refugees having seen her husband and other members of her family killed in her own country. I visited her, taking a welcome pack of groceries and things for her home and this led to a long and continued involvement with a spirit filled Russian church about 6 miles away. Very soon we also had connections with a black church and a South African church. God was certainly broadening our horizons and we were able to fellowship and build friendships with a broadening body of believers from different parts of the world.


I have learned over the years the benefits of trusting and watching to see what God does next. I have never, in all that God has had me involved in, gone seeking out and looking for the next thing. God has always brought something to my attention and then it is for me to respond. Often this happens without me even realizing initially what He is doing.

As I begin to bring this journey up to the present time, I will show how God has His ways of opening us up to even more new experiences.

My STORY Chapter 20 - The Many Faces of Itinerant Travel

I found that most itinerant travel runs smoothly and is uneventful, but it’s the eventful and unusual that sticks in one’s mind. Maybe I will just relate a few as each one is a story in itself.

1. I had driven my missionary friend to speak at a home Bible study in Mississippi. The hosts Father owned a stately home in the Cotswolds in England. He had bought it when the owner had died leaving no heir, and subsequently sold off one wing to another wealthy American. Our host, who we shall call Jim, planned to take his Bible study group to spend a week there in the summer. He asked me if me and my family would like to join them. Initially I was a bit taken aback, but on phoning Alan we agreed to go. The group spent their first weekend in London so on the Sunday evening we had the pleasure of the whole group visiting with us in our home.

The following day we drove to Sherbourne House in the Cotswolds. We were expecting just a large house in the country as Jim had not given any details at that point, but we arrived to find we had our own beautiful apartment in a magnificent stately home, where the maids had already been in and stocked the fridge. The week was spent cycling, swimming, Polo at Cirencester, pub lunches, Bible study and last but not least a trip in Jim’s Fathers Rolls Royce to a private restaurant on our last evening.
(I shall be doing a separate post on this week sometime) And…………

2. Alan and I touched down from one Atlantic flight, and having flown on to a smaller airport, were immediately interviewed by CNN reporters. The Gulf War had broken out while we were in the air and they wanted to know how we felt about flying at that time. We had not been informed by the Pilot so knew nothing about it until we landed and then we didn’t have much choice. And………..

3. It had been arranged for Pamela and I to stay in the home of single twin brothers during our time in an area in the North of England. These men were not considered too bright but they were the kindest and most generous of people one could ever meet. They looked after us like princesses and vacated their home and moved into a caravan on their land in order to give us the full run of their home. They had built their home themselves on land they owned and in many ways from outside it looked like a large shed, but on the inside it was so cosy and comfortable. They were collectors of antiques and their home was full of them, we had never seen anything like it. They also ran a dog sitting service and looked after people’s dogs while they were away. They had built a large dog house too, and each dog had it’s own room with carpet furniture and a radio. And……………..

4. Alan and I were invited to a home on the South Coast of England belonging to a couple on our mailing list. They were looking for encouragement and wanted to talk things through with us. When we got there we were told that we would need to book into a hotel because the cat slept on the bed in the spare room. OK. And…………….

5. We were invited to Spain to spend a week with another couple on the mailing list as they were short on Christian fellowship and needed encouragement. When we got there, these folks were wanting us to take sides with them in a feud with another Christian group that was forming out there. Certainly not what we were about. And…………………

6. It was a school half term week and my daughter was home and Alan had taken holiday from work so that the 3 of us could spend a week with an elderly retired missionary acquaintance in the North of England. She had planned a series of meetings in her home and wanted us to attend and share. We had stayed with her a number of times before, and she in our home, so we knew her well. As there were 3 of us and her home was basically a one person retirement flat, she had arranged sleeping quarters for us elsewhere. She was elderly and had spent her life on the mission field in some very remote places on earth so she never thought to check out the accommodation that was offered us. We were used to accepting whatever hospitality we were offered but this was something different.

We arrived at a large and fairly isolated stone house late at night. It turned out that the house belonged to a doctor and it had been divided into two homes. The doctor and his wife lived in one half while his Mother had lived in the half that we were offered. Since the Mother had died 10 years earlier the house had been occupied by an alcoholic brother who had since left. We knew none of this at the time and our missionary friend had only ever been into the doctors house.

We walked into a large and very sparse kitchen with a stone flagged floor. All I remember was a large wooden table and little else. We were only sleeping at the house. What I do remember vividly is the upstairs of the house. Our bedroom was large with 2 enormous oak wardrobes full of the diseased Mother’s clothes. The windows were covered in cobwebs and the iron bedstead was beginning to rust. We decided it was best not to look at the mattress. Our daughter was allocated a room across the landing. There was an open water tank on a wooden base in the room. I kid you not.

The bathroom was equally neglected. I knocked a mirror slightly over the wash basin and bugs of some sort fell into the sink. We all decided that basic ablutions were all that we could manage. At the end of the landing a door opened onto a dark and cobwebbed stair case leading to a loft or something. We did not investigate. My daughter was so distressed that I slept in the bed with her leaving Alan sound asleep in the main bedroom. How can men do this?

We slept little and in the middle of the night we were disturbed by a bat flying around the room. Neither of us would dare get out of bed in the dark and our shouts to Alan were of no avail as he was sound asleep. We just lay and dozed waiting for the morning light. My daughter began to have an allergic reaction to the dust and mildew and the following day we had to thank the owners for their hospitality but also tell them that we could not continue to stay there because of my daughters allergy. The wife was quite put out because she said she had broken her arm while trying to get the place ready for us.

Our missionary friend found somewhere else for us. We arrived at a house we could hardly see for overgrown bushes and trees. We pushed our way through the overhanging shrubs and were given a warm welcome by the owner, another elderly lady. The house was full from top to bottom with antiques and bric-a-bac and this lady was certainly a collector. There wasn’t a space left on the dining table or any of the surfaces and every stair tread was piled up too leaving just enough room to walk up in the middle. The problem here again for our daughter was the dust. Added to that she was given a bedroom that held the house alarm system so she was told not to get out of bed or move around. Again we were only sleeping at the house so we solved the problem by arranging for our daughter to sleep at our hosts home and we saw her to bed before we left and she did not get up until we arrived next morning. We continued to sleep amongst the antiques and bric-a-brac. And……………….

7. Again Pamela and I were travelling in England and we arrived at our next stop late on as Sunday afternoon. It was a large and very beautiful home. There was a meeting planned at another house in the evening so we had stopped off on our journey to eat a substantial meal at lunchtime. Come tea time our host asked us what we would like to eat. We did not know what to ask for never having been to the house before and we were not very hungry. One is usually presented with a table of food or a meal so this was unusual. I suggested a boiled egg with bread and butter would be fine for me while Pamela said she would like a tomato and herb sandwich. Our host said that was fine and would we prepare it and prepare the same for her and her husband. This was most unusual but we found out later that she did not cook having been in a previous wealthy marriage where she employed a cook.

We returned from the meeting after midnight to find that there had been a misunderstanding in our arrangements. When discussing plans for the next day it turned out that our hosts had been expecting us for 2 nights whereas our plan had been for 1 and we were due at another home in another town the following day. It seemed our host had employed a cook to prepare food for us and this was the first time it had been mentioned. In order not to waste the food they prepared a table there and then and at 1.0 am in the morning we sat down to a table laid with a large ham, beef and salads and many other accompaniments , not to mention desserts. I don’t know which groaned the loudest, our stomachs or the table. They do say that truth is stranger than fiction and we were beginning to believe it. And……………

Before ending this chapter perhaps one of our transatlantic crossings is worth a mention. It was at the time that Virgin Atlantic was a new and small airline and they only had 2 aircraft. We had arrived at Gatwick early in the morning for a midday flight to New York. We were going to Mississippi but had chosen this route as the cheapest way to get there at the time. There was a problem with our aircraft and we could not take off so we had to wait until their other plane arrived from Tokyo.

We eventually took off at 7.30 pm so were some 6 hours late arriving in New York. While we were waiting for a connecting flight a thick fog descended on the airport. We still had a long way to go as we were travelling via. Nashville. It was one of those times when the airline had no idea when we would be taking off so we were on and off the plane like yo-yo’s. I was trying to phone our friends in Mississippi from the airline desk when they told us to get back on the plane quickly as there was a break in the fog on the runway. We took off and suddenly the plane hit such bad turbulence that the stewardess standing next to us grabbed on to our seat speaking profanities and asking what was happening. Apparently we had flown straight into a violent thunderstorm.

By the time we arrived in Nashville the airport was closed for the night so after landing we were virtually stranded. The airline did not offer help in what they called ‘an act of God’ and we did not want to pay a hotel bill for just a few hours when we were flying the cheapest route we could find. Fortunately we knew someone in Nashville so roused them from sleep in the early hours of the morning. They gladly offered us a room until the first flight out the next morning. What we were not expecting was a long wait at the airport while full make-up was applied! We did eventually enjoy soaking in a hot bath and sinking into a comfortable bed for 3 hours in a most beautiful house until we could continue our journey the next morning. I never did count up the hours that this journey took, but it was a very long time and very tedious. We decided cheap flying just was not worth it. However we survived to live many more adventures so stay tuned.

MY STORY - Chapter 19 - Forward and Onward

Having been pressed to learn how to walk in gut level faith in what was for me at the time terrifying experiences; God continued to take me on into more and more of His purposes for me at that time. That first faith trip, flying alone across the Atlantic culminated in my taking 64 flights over the next 6 years, to the States, internally in the States and to Europe and Ireland. What a mighty God we have, He can take us where of ourselves we could not go. As I am sitting here writing I am reminded of a piece of inspirational writing called ‘The Will of God’ that has helped me and the many people that I have shared it with and it certainly fits this part of my story so I print it here. I do not know however where this piece originated from.

THE WILL OF GOD

The will of God will never take you,
where the grace of God cannot keep you,
where the arms of God cannot support you,
where the riches of God cannot supply your needs.
where the power of God cannot endow you.

The will of God will never take you,
where the Spirit of God cannot work through you,
where the wisdom of God cannot teach you,
where the army of God cannot protect you,
where the hands of God cannot mould you.

The will of God will never take you,
where the love of God cannot enfold you,
where the mercies of God cannot sustain you,
where the peace of God cannot calm your fears
where the authority of God cannot overrule for you.

The will of God will never take you,
where the comfort of God cannot dry your tears,
where the Word of God cannot feed you,
where the miracles of God cannot be done for you,
where the omnipresence of God cannot find you.


During my 5 weeks on this trip, once the conference was over, I traveled on an itinerant trip from Mississippi to Massachusetts. We visited homes just like we had done the previous year in England, where we stayed and had meetings and times of sharing with folks. It would take many chapters to relate the whole trip but a few things stick in my mind as worthy of mention.

For some of the trip our missionary friend Norman, who was then well into his 90’s was traveling with us. Having spent his life on the mission field and traveling the length and breadth of the States himself by car, he found it difficult to reconcile the luxury of flying from place to place. He had been used to shunning the luxuries of life. But now however he was old, ill and in a wheelchair so it was necessary. I remember on arriving in the airport in Connecticut, I was looking after the luggage while my friend took care of Norman and the wheelchair. I knew he had 2 pieces of luggage but I had forgotten that his typewriter (he was a prolific writer and had written many books) was counted as luggage by the airline staff. So in counting up 2 pieces of luggage for each of us I counted the typewriter instead of a suitcase. It was not until 1.0 am in the morning, well after the airport had closed, that it became apparent that one of Norman’s cases was missing. I tell you this story to demonstrate how just being around this man was a spiritual learning curve in itself. When I felt concerned and worried that I had not only left his case, but left the most important one, his answer to me was, “Well dear, I can sleep in my underwear, I can trust God for this old ‘ticker,’ (He was frail and needed medication for his heart) but I will pray that all those letters from dear people around the world will be kept safe.” He did not want to disappoint the many people who had written to him and would be waiting for replies. This was a man who thought of others and not himself.

When later we were traveling back south to New York, we stopped for a meeting in New York State. Having shared my testimony a lady who was there asked me if I would travel back with her to her home in New Jersey as she was going to a ladies meeting the following day and she would like me to share my testimony with the ladies there. I knew that God had wrought immense changes in my life when I was able to temporarily part company with my traveling companions and go alone and stay with a lady I had only just met, to a home in a place I had never been to in New Jersey. A journey of a thousand miles certainly begins with a single step as the saying goes. God takes us on one step at a time and as we are obedient and faithful in that then He takes us on to the next.

Somebody drove Norman back to his home in Washington and we ended this particular trip staying in a hotel and chilling our in New York. Another friend who was an heiress and deeply involved in the ministry treated us to the hotel and paid all my expenses in New York. In New Jersey I had become unwell with flu but in spite of this I was determined to enjoy all that was on offer. On my last day this included a make-over, a visit to Phantom of the Opera on Broadway and some shopping before flying home in the evening. An incident that stays in my mind from that day was walking along a side street and thinking that I recognized the person walking towards me. As we drew alongside 3 voices in unison called out “It’s Dustin Hoffman.” Poor man, there he was taking a quiet stroll with his wife when 3 middle aged ladies went weak at the knees and embarrassed themselves.

The day eventually ended with my being ripped off by a taxi driver on my way to the airport, but managing to find 4 empty seats in the centre of the plane where I was able for the only time on an aircraft to sleep for most of the journey.

So followed some 8 years of traveling, organizing conferences, hosting in my home, visiting and sharing. I was also invited to the President’s Prayer Breakfast in Washington but I didn’t go as I could not justify the cost of the airline ticket for such a short time. I was pressed during all of this time to learn gut level faith in some very hard situations, traveling and being away from home the hardest but this was also mingled with some rewarding and fun times. In the next chapter I shall share some of the many faces of itinerant travel.

I think my make over on Maddison Avenue sent me home looking more

American than English

MY STORY Chapter 18 - One Step at a Time

Due to popular demand......................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm posting another chapter straight after the last one.

It's now 1988 and having decided to trust God to break through what seemed like insurmountable barriers to my getting to the States in 4 days I began to relax a little. Part of me thought it could never happen, and did I really want it to, but I also knew that if this was God’s plan and He brought it to fruition, then I would never look back. I was facing an opportunity for growth and maturity in faith like never before.

Having wrestled with the situation for over a week, I decided to chill out and watch a movie on TV. Surely I could forget about everything and relax for an evening. I cannot remember what the film was called, or the whole strand of the story, but it took place in Florida and featured men going out to shoot turkeys. In the midst of the film, a little white boarded chapel with a pointed roof and spire appeared on the screen. The camera homed in through the front door and down to the pulpit. The preacher pointed his finger and said, “All of you out there who are wrestling and have no peace, it’s because you’ve taken the reigns back into your own hands. Just give them back to God” Well I ask you, a silly film on TV used by God to show me what I already knew but was choosing to ignore. I can’t but He can. All I was looking for was a quiet evening but God was taking me at my word and beginning to prove Himself. I went to bed with a renewed sense of peace and resignation.

The following day I began to think about the surgery that I was due to have. I have private medical insurance and was being treated privately so on Sunday afternoon I telephoned my surgeon at home and explained my dilemma. She immediately told me not to worry, that it would be good for me to go, and she would reschedule surgery for when I returned. I could not believe how easy it was. I now began to think about my visa and passport. It was impossible to phone the American Embassy and get through to someone and discuss the situation. One had to go through the standard procedures which could be lengthy.

In recent months I had been invited to attend monthly luncheon meetings with International Christian Leadership in London as a result of various contacts that had developed. Through this I had been corresponding with a Member of the House of Lords to encourage him through an extremely difficult time with a very sick wife. I felt God prompting me to telephone him and see if he could help. This I did and he gave me a telephone number that would take me direct to someone in the Embassy that would be able to help me. Needless to say I had my visa within 24 hours. I got my new passport the following day as a result of being able to visit a passport office some hours drive away instead of the routine doing it by post which can take some weeks.

Tuesday afternoon I was still feeling very frightened and wondered if there was any support available for someone like me who had developed a real fear of flying on top of other phobias. After several phone calls I came across an organisation based at Gatwick airport, where I was going to be flying from, called Travelcare. I phoned them and explained my position and was immediately asked why I was flying to America. I explained that I was going to a Christian business meeting and conference. The lady on the other end of the phone said, “Well, I am not a Christian myself, but I talk to people who are and they tell me that with faith in God you are never alone!” Here was a non-Christian speaking God’s truth to me. God was certainly proving Himself over and over. On a practical level they advised me to go to their office at the airport once I had bought my ticket and checked in and they would take care of me.

I continued to pack and get ready and Wednesday arrived with me still not having insurance. It is essential to have full medical insurance when travelling in the States. Obviously I was not going to be able to leave on Wednesday but I managed to have the insurance certificate in my hands by 5.0 pm that evening. On Thursday Alan took me to the airport where we purchased a ticket one day late but still in time for the meeting that began on Friday.

Having bought the ticket and checked in Alan took me to the Travelcare office. They gave me hospitality in their lounge and not only escorted me on to the plane in advance of boarding but also arranged for me to be escorted between planes in Atlanta. I had said to them on the telephone that I wanted to make this journey even if I passed out with fear and had to be carried on to the plane. That’s how frightened I was. God means us to walk in faith in spite of what is going on in our soulish emotions. He never promised to take us out of suffering but He did promise to manifest Himself in it.

Once the plane took off I had an overwhelming sense of peace and calmness. As the aircraft began it’s ascent over London I was struck by the awesomeness of this new experience. It was a clear day and as we later passed over Greenland I was excited to be able to get out of my seat and walk around. I began a journal from the moment of take-off charting my excitement hour by hour. This was to be a never forgotten journey. The ride was smooth throughout and by the time we touched down in Atlanta, some nine hours later, I knew that I could make my connection without the help of an escort. There were others on the plane being escorted through the airport, a young Mother on her own with 4 young children and an elderly lady who had just had surgery. The cabin staff suggested that I stayed on the plane with the others until everybody else had disembarked so as not to cause confusion with the paperwork. I was glad that I did as we did not have to go through Customs and Immigration, instead they came to us. This meant a quick passage through and I realised that it just might be possible to make an earlier connection. I was feeling so confident and excited by this time that I thanked the airline staff and took off on my own to catch my next flight.

I arrived at my final destination in Mississippi tired but exhilarated having proved once again that God can do through me what I had thought impossible. It was more than interesting a few days later when collecting the mail to see the arrival of the letter that I had posted from England giving all the reasons why it would be impossible for me to attend. I smiled and tore it up. I had arrived in the South and five weeks later I would be flying home from New Jersey in the North with much to experience in between. Prior to writing this chapter, I was just listening to Joyce Meyer on my car radio when she said, “It’s not the destination that’s important in this life, it’s the journey that gets us there”. How apt!

MY STORY Chapter 17 Back at my House

Having completed our itinerant ministry trip Pamela began to think about how wonderful it would be, for the folk we had visited, to be able to have the opportunity to meet each other and have fellowship together. The only way this could be done would be through a conference. I did not know who I could ask to organise a conference, and yes, you’ve guessed it, Pamela suggested that I would be the ideal person to do it. Me! I had never come near to organising a conference in my life. Needless to say, the following Easter we had a conference with 75 people attending, 21 of them coming over from the U.S.A. This was to become an annual event along with another venue in the North of England each Autumn. These events would include more itinerant trips and hosting overseas guests in my home either side of the conference.

Not long after our first conference Alan was out playing golf one afternoon and I was up a ladder painting window frames at the back of my house when I received a phone call. It was from my only brother livening in England, to say that his 19 year old son, my nephew, had just jumped to his death from a 15 storey block of flats. I was sobbing my heart out when Alan returned and he initially thought that I was peeved because he had been playing golf while I had been painting. It took me a while before I could bear to enlighten him. My deepest regret was that Geoff was not a Christian. He was a very artistic person and had left brilliant drawings and poems that not even his parents had known about. They were all about darkness and death. It became obvious from studying these that he had felt that he did not fit anywhere in this world and felt he had no place in it. It was a very sad time and my extended family did not understand my continuing to travel, but God clearly showed me that I was to continue following His calling.

A magazine was being published in the U.S.A. and we would initially have one copy over here which we then copied and collated and sent out to a growing mailing list in the U.K. and Europe. It was in contributing articles for this magazine that I realised I enjoyed writing, particularly if the end product helped build faith in others. We photo copied the magazine at the premises of a friend’s printing business and I remember one particular time quite late on Saturday that the copier ran out of ink when we still had about 100 copies left to print. We stood at that machine and prayed over it while it continued to print with an empty cartridge. I have never seen anything like that happen since, but it did that day. However as the mailing list grew it became necessary to have the magazine sent over from the States in bulk and then mailed out from here.

The year came to an end and the following January I received a call from America asking me if I could go over and attend a business meeting and conference that month. Panic would seem to mild a word to use in this instance. I had not flown for nineteen years since our unpleasant flight over Switzerland. Added to that, to be flying on my own and changing planes in Atlanta, impossible. There were also practical reasons, including scheduled surgery to make it obvious that I could not go. My passport had expired and I did not have a current visa. None of those things could be sorted out in 10 days. Well certainly not if looking to myself but we have a God that can move mountains and he was about to prove that to me.

I wrote a long letter to the States (before the days of E-mail) listing all the reasons why it would be impossible for me to do this. I posted the letter thinking this would be the end of the story. Not so, I had no peace and began a wrestling inside myself. Strangely on the practical level I started to make the kind of plans one would if intending to be away from home. I began cooking and filling the freezer with prepared meals while stocking up the larder and making sure all the laundry was up to date. Why was I doing this? It felt like something inside me was steering me on in spite of the outer turmoil.

I later came to see what a good example this was of the difference between soul and spirit. My emotions were pulling me in one direction while my spirit was quietly motivating me in the other. I got to the point where standing at my kitchen sink I asked myself if I wanted to be standing there next Saturday or did I want to be in the U.S.A. taking part in a business meeting that maybe God was asking me to go to. I decided to put God to the test and told Him that if He wanted me to go then He would have to break down all these barriers and get me there.

It was now Saturday and the date suggested for flying out was to be the following Wednesday, four days hence. I have never known such wrestling in my spirit. Alan too was wrestling, he wanted what was best for me and above all he wanted God’s will. He too was involved and committed in this new venture that God had brought to us, but he still had five years to go before retirement so it was not possible for him to accompany me this trip. For a moment he let his emotional concern for me take over and said, “You are not the sort of person who can go travelling all over the place on your own, stop torturing yourself” Now I know he was thinking of me, particularly with my past struggles, but it hit me like a thunder boat. In that moment I recognised the voice of God saying “Go”, and the voice of the enemy saying “Impossible”. I began to see how responding to God takes us forward and listening to the enemy does not just stop us moving forward, but it moves us back. We can’t stand still in this life of faith, it’s either forward or back.

Well I had my answers but how on earth was God going to do this. I had surgery scheduled; I did not have a current passport, visa or travel insurance. I was terrified of flying, I did not want to be away from my family and there were just four days to this proposed flight to the U.S.A.

MY STORY Chapter 16 - On the Road

I was getting on with the routine of life when I received a letter from Pamela and we corresponded for a while. Early in the following New Year she asked me if I would accompany her on an itinerant trip around the UK when she next came over from the States. My brain immediately went into overdrive. One thing I had not shared when meeting in the West Country, and later in my letters, was my previous battles with anxiety and agoraphobia. To go away for 2 weeks without my husband, with someone I did not know that well, and to stay part of the time with people we had never met was stomach churning to say the least. All I could do was leave it in God’s hands while talking to my husband and children. I knew that if this was God’s call then it was right for me to do it so I had to trust Him to show me.

Eventually in the midst of all my fears and anxieties I knew that God was challenging me to start living from all that He had been teaching me, so I telephoned and said I would do it. I was then immediately asked if I would drive. Well this felt like a step too far. I had never driven a hire car and had only once, many years ago, had need to drive any distance outside of my area. Alan always did the long distance driving. “Lord, what are you saying to me, You know I can’t do this!” “But I can” came the reply. “If you are trusting Me to live your life then why can’t you trust Me when driving the car?” I began to panic and think about how awful it would be if I crashed the car and caused death. As I waited on God for His guidance in all of this I came to the place where I had to trust God on every aspect of the trip and know that if I did crash the car then God was in that too. He was in control and it was His responsibility. My responsibility was to do what God was asking of me so I agreed. I am not saying here that we can just get into a car and drive irresponsibly and it will be Ok. No, I am talking about believing in the power of God to be able to carry out what He is asking of us. Obviously God was pressing me to take another step, move on and live from the truth that He was revealing to me. I am not saying that I had no fear or anxiety, I did, but I knew I had t go in spite of this. When the day came to leave Alan gave me his blessing by saying that he knew that I had to make this trip. Up until then it had been a struggle for him too.

Our first visit was probably about 150 miles away and we took the journey in stages, thinking no further ahead than the next hour. We eventually arrived at the house where we were staying and where our first meeting had been planned. In my spirit I sensed that I was going to be more than just the driver, but I did not know how God was going to work this out, but it soon became apparent. After Pamela had finished speaking in the meeting that night she asked if I had anything to add. I immediately knew that God was asking me to share my testimony and this became the flavour of the trip. Pamela would speak and I would follow experientially sharing how it related to life.

There is a saying ‘ A journey of a 1000 miles begins with a single step’. I believe God knows what we can bear at any given time and He takes us on one step at a time. Our next stop was to be with a missionary friend in the North West. Another friend who had been in our fellowship here in the South had moved to that area and was going to join us. He had offered to come with us to Scotland and drive the car for that part of the journey. It came as a shock to me when we got a call to say that he was sick and would not be coming with us after all. However after the initial shock I was able to see that for me this was the next step and the next test of faith. It is important for us to realise that these initial reactions of shock and fear are OK. They are not something to be condemned about; they are what pushes us to faith. For some those initial feelings may never change but it is what we do with them that matters. They are our springboard to faith. Oh! Gosh I can’t, but God can.

The actual drive to Scotland became one of the most enjoyable parts of our journey. As we neared the Scottish border the motorway was almost empty (I will not tell you what speed I was doing) and soon we were travelling through some spectacular scenery, The next test for me came after our visit when the time came to make our journey back south. I was suddenly aware that this was the hardest part. On the way up, there was always the possibility of turning back, but on the return trip, that is not an option, one has to keep going. Needless to say, God kept His word and as well as some good meeting with folks both corporately and individually, we were able to do a little sightseeing in the Cotswolds on the way home, plus enjoying an afternoon in Oxford.

I arrived home exhilarated, glad to be home and grateful to God for the many events and experiences He had taken us through during those 2 weeks of itinerant travel. I had done it, I had proved God’s faithfulness and was ready to settle down and get back to the routine of daily life. Little did I know what God had in mind, He hadn’t revealed it yet!

MY STORY Chapter 15 - Family Matters and More

During the time that we were not involved in any organised fellowship and were very much on our own, some difficult family events took place. My Mother who had suffered serious bouts of depression involving hospitalisation over the years became very ill again. She had all kinds of treatment including Electroconvulsive Therapy but she did not improve. I think she had finally given up, life had become too much for her and she was hospitalised again and became an in-patient. During this time my Father again could not manage without my Mother and this time instead of losing his memory, he tried unsuccessfully to take his own life, so on every level life was difficult. I lived 250 miles away and it was not an option taking my children to stay in view of past traumatic events.When I visited the hospital my Father would walk out of the ward.

After two years in hospital with only the occasional weekend at home my Mother decided one day to leave, in the middle of winter dressed only in flimsy clothes, and made her way home 15 miles away. My Father was out so my Mother sat on the doorstep until he came home. By this time she was suffering from Hypothermia and much against her wishes had to be readmitted to hospital. In view of what she had done, she was placed in a locked room.

This so traumatised her that after a few days she pleaded to go home, and with the agreement of the medical staff, my Father took her home. Two days later I got a phone call in the middle of the night to say she had passed away. My Father was traumatised and in his grief and guilt blamed me for her death, accusing me of not being there when she died and berated me for moving from the north of England to the south when I married. This continued throughout the funeral and from then on whenever I phoned it was to listen to constant accusation. In some way he was trying to assuage his own guilt. He was a very unhappy man and who knows what disappointments and issues in his past had turned him into the man he became. All I could do was pray for him knowing that God was his only answer. Emotionally I felt distraught, bursting into tears when least expected, but I knew that nothing had changed in my spirit and I still knew that God was in control of my life.

Soon after this in 1985 a missionary friend of ours asked if we could have an American lady who was visiting this country stay with us. We were due to go and stay with friends in the West Country, so instead of hosting her in our home we organised bed and breakfast for her near to where we were staying. This lady who we will call Pamela for privacy reasons was in the country linking up with contacts of an ex-missionary friend. He was an Englishman, the son-in-law of C.T.Studd, who had spent his life on the mission field and was now living in America. He had spent his ‘retirement’ years as an itinerant preacher but due to great age and ill health was no longer able to fly.

When Pamela arrived in the West Country she and I drove out into the countryside and ended up sitting in the pews of an ancient country church. We sat there for most of the afternoon chatting and found we had much in common in our spiritual journey, including our desires for the future. However when we said our goodbyes a couple of days later I had no idea the effect this meeting would have on my future life, nor the domino effect it would have for years to come. God arranges these divine appointments and my journey was about to take many more twists and turns in a way that would have been beyond my wildest dreams in the past. I was about to launch on a faith journey like never before.

MY STORY Chapter 14 - From Darkness to Light

During the time timescale of the last chapter there were a couple of significant times of enlightenment that began to make a difference in my life. The first came in 1982 at a time when I felt so inadequate and depressed. I was looking out of my bedroom window when I saw a lady from my church walking down the street looking so happy and ‘together’ and striding out with great confidence. It had an immediate affect on me, why could I not be like that? I now know that I was only seeing at the appearance level, but at that point I just sank to my knees and cried out to God. I suddenly realised that my dialogue with God was coming out as a poem. The poem has since been a help to me and many others and was later published as an “editor’s choice” in a book of poems called “Praised Voices”.

THE MIND OF GOD

O my God, why do you leave me in despair and desolation?
When all around is seemingly glory and triumph
The very essence of life appears and disappears
As though they were just puppets, on a string
You mock me, You tantalise me, You hide your face.
Is it a game that you are playing?

Child, you have forgotten your prayers of yesteryear
What, me give up the things I hold so dear?
Lord, you know I want to change
But, how can You and I achieve the impossible?
It only seemed impossible to you
Because you did not have My infinite mind.

Remember the prayers that went unanswered at the time
The prayers you prayed that were impossible for me
For had I answered in the way that you had wished
Those other prayers of yours, the most important ones
Would have vanished like a vapour in the sea
And never would have brought you the life you long to see.

My love for you is more than just a fleeting feeling
To lose you would have been too great a price to pay
Your suffering has been your greatest treasure
To keep you close to me so come what may
THE MIND OF GOD WILL BE INSTILLED WITHIN YOU
So that you can live the life for which you pray.

Barbara Rogerson 1982

I continued to seek God and for a long time spent many night hours unable to sleep. I was getting more desperate and as written in the closing lines of the last chapter, I came to the point where I felt that nothing was working, God didn’t seem to care and it was too hard to go on living like this another day. I told God in the middle of the night that I was finished, I was giving up. Whereas to me it felt like the end, it was really the beginning of some new enlightenment on my journey. I clearly heard God say, “That’s all I have ever wanted of you, for you to give up your self effort and striving and allow me to be your life” He told me I was dead and it was only His life in me that would make a difference. I ran upstairs, woke Alan and said “I am dead, God’s told me I am dead!” Alan’s reaction in his sleepy state was to say “Oh! Yeah” and turned over and went back to sleep. I was excited for the first time in months and knew that something significant was happening, even though at that time I did not understand the living out of this revelation. I said to God, “I will not do another thing until I know that it is You doing it”.

On a practical level all I knew to do was give up all my activities and I stopped going to meetings and just waited on God. Initially I stayed in bed for two days as I did not know how else to stop, or what to do next. It looked like a breakdown but it was God’s way of getting me quiet. One enlightened preacher came to visit me and prophesied that as I came to the end of myself God would use my experiences to help others. This meant nothing to me at the time.

Our fellowship had grown quite large by now and we had been involved and deeply committed for 10 years. However this was also the time when there were many splits and breakaways in the house church movement worldwide and ours was no exception. We were pioneering, it was a time of learning and mistakes were made, particularly in the area of shepherding. I need to say that our then leader has since publicly acknowledged the mistakes while also recognising the good and positive that came out of this time. I know that God uses everything and nothing in our experience is ever wasted. All is a growing process. We felt that we needed to break away and see what God was saying to us personally.

We were for some time alone and without ‘formal’ fellowship but this was the time when God started to make Himself real to us in a new way and also the time when I started to really listen. A very simple lesson came one day when sitting reading in the garden. I was reading the book “Rees Howells – Intercessor” and began to think that I could never do what Rees Howells had done and the old condemnation soon reared it’s head. God clearly said, “I’m not asking you to do that at this moment, you only need to do what I ask you to do.”

One day we planned a visit to a preacher/friend of ours who lived about 2 hours drive away. On the day all my old fears came back as I started to think about the journey and we left late as I had spent so much time in the bathroom due to anxiety. We eventually made it to our friends house only to find he was in a similar situation being a very anxious and nervous individual himself. When we both shared how we were feeling and why he insisted that it was all an attack of Satan. I did not enjoy my day and when we arrived home late at night I fell into bed feeling as defeated as ever.

The next morning I was standing at my kitchen sink thinking that if Satan had such power to paralyze me and wreck my day, what chance did I have of fighting this. I would always lose. Suddenly the light came on and God said, “You are not meant to fight, you are meant to believe” He that is in you is greater than he that is in the world, 1 John 4:4. Here were Scriptures I had read all my life being made real. Yes, all I was meant to do was believe the truth. The truth that the only power that the enemy had over me was the power that I gave to him through my wrong believing. For me it was a revelation. I then began to see that I was not a depressed person, that I had the Creator of the universe living in me. I might feel depressed but that was not my identity. My identity was Christ in this earthen vessel.

I asked God right there, “ OK, how does this relate to right now?” I was still feeling depressed. God’s answer was to tell me to just do the next thing which happened to be clearing the dishes. In asking again, it was to make the beds. I lived like this for the whole day, taking one step at a time and trusting the next moment to God. I chose to stop seeing myself as a depressed, inadequate and defeated person and started to trust God in a new way no matter how I felt or how it looked. He showed me how to take one step at a time, just doing the next thing. I’m sure it would seem very elemental to some, but for me, having struggled in my own strength for decades I learned a lot in those days. As I stopped the self effort struggling and just listened to God He continued to show me through the very mundane activities of life.

One day I heard of an acquaintance who was feeling very low and depressed and I felt to go and visit her. I arrived on her doorstep and felt dumb. All I managed to say was, “Hi! I hear you are feeling bad and I just wanted to tell you that I care.” On the way home after a cup of tea and a chat I felt frustrated when all the things I could have said to her came flooding into my mind and as I questioned God as to why He said “I only asked you to go, and you did, you can share that with her next time”. God was showing me the difference between relying on Him and self effort. I was wanting to run ahead of God and do His work for Him. He knows what is needed and unless we are listening to Him we don’t.

Very soon we had a small group of friends meeting in our home for fellowship and God started bringing various ministry teachers into my life who confirmed all that God was showing me. This was not overnight but over a couple of years. This brought increased healing as I began to believe Galations 2:20 “I have been crucified with Christ, but it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me, and the life which I now live in the flesh, I live by the faith of the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me”.

We will see in future chapters the difference this made in my life. During this time there were some dramatic and distressing events in my extended family but they will have to wait until the next chapter.

MY STORY Chapter 13 - An Open Door

Names gave been changed to protect privacy


I believe that there are times and seasons in our journey through life and none more than the journey that God takes us on. My desire for finding a church that was something more than a Sunday plus one weekly meeting, coincided with the great changes at our Christian Rehabilitation centre that I wrote about in the last chapter.

A few of us involved in the centre had begun meeting in one of our homes for fellowship and worship and Bible study and we were also able to include any of the residents who wished to join us. These residents often felt that they did not fit in with a traditional church setting but they felt at ease in the relaxed atmosphere of a home environment.

I was in this situation and seeking God for the way ahead when I happened to go to one of our local ‘All Saints’ meetings. These were once a month Saturday evening gatherings of people from many different churches and there would always be a visiting speaker. On this particular evening I was particularly moved by the speaker, let’s call him James, who spoke on ‘Forgive us our Denominations’. It was also the time when the Christian production ‘Come Together’ with Jimmy Owens and Pat Boone was showing in London. A choir was being formed in my area to put this show on locally. It consisted of Dance, Drama and Music with a theme of bringing Christians from all denominations together for worship. I had ‘signed up’ for this choir and when attending my first rehearsal I found that James was involved, and not only that, he lived in my local area. I just knew that I had to go and visit him.

On arrival I was invited in and made welcome. I found that James was one of a group of Apostolic men around the country who were pioneering New Testament style house churches. At that time there were about 30 people meeting together in my area and they were all living in close proximity and sharing life as a community. I am not talking of a commune but a community, the whole ethos being to share our lives and live out our faith together on a daily basis. In other words a New Testament church. This sounded like the fulfilment of all my dreams and desires, committed Christians with the same vision living together not only to share their lives, but to be a light in the local wider community.

Having sat and talked the whole afternoon through, it became obvious that we were on the same wave length and James and his wife invited us to dinner. Alan was still not a Christian at this time and his first reaction was, ‘Who are you getting involved with now?’ However he was intrigued enough to find out and accepted the invitation. He was so moved by the reality he saw and the living out of faith 24/7 that within days he had accepted Christ as his Saviour and was soon baptised in water. Fifteen years of prayer had been answered and we knew that God had led us to this place.

So what happened to the others that had been meeting with us in the home group that we had recently formed? There was another group that was a part of this fellowship living and meeting in the centre of town, and as the others lived nearer to them, they joined in with them and we disbanded our little group.

As for Alan and I, we duly sold our house and bought a house in the midst of our new fellowship. Although we were only a little over a mile away we wanted to be close enough to live as part of the community. We lived in that particular house for 2 years when we moved again to live in a larger house next door to James. At the time we had thought we would not be able to afford the fee for a survey on the house. We prayed about this and the very next day there was a cheque in the post for the exact amount. A young girl from Norway who had been staying with us had received a bonus cheque from work when she arrived home. She had asked God what she was meant to do with it and He told her to send it to us. It was a real challenge as this house needed so much work doing to it that it took us 10 years to fully complete. It had an extension that was basically a shell on top of the work in the existing house, but as we were sure that God was leading us in this we knew that we could trust Him. We did get a lot of practical help in getting the work done and there was a valid reason for us moving to this larger house.

Since becoming involved in the Fellowship we had become the church hospitality house. This was not something that was planned, it just happened. From being asked to have a couple of guys from Holland to stay with us in our original house, we found that this was something that we enjoyed, offering hospitality and caring for people in our home. Our gifts are from God and He places us on our journey just where He wants us. As the fellowship grew, many people would come and stay with us from this country and other countries in Europe and also the U.S.A.

Most of the people who stayed had come to experience this kind of living as they were part of a similar pioneering set-up, or they just wanted to fellowship with other like minded believers. We also had leaders and preachers and speakers who had come to minister to us also.

As well as this aspect of hospitality, as the fellowship grew there were always quite a number of single people needing accommodation, so we would always have a long term guest living as part of the family, as did many of the other homes. Our children grew up never knowing who was going to be in the house when they woke up, and sometimes even who would be sharing their room. Some people would stay for a night and others for weeks depending on their reason for being here. Sometimes new guests would be arriving before others had left. There were times before we moved to a larger house when Alan and I would be sleeping in bunk beds and our children on the floor. Even when God moved us on into various ministries we still ran an open home.

Over the years we made close friends with some of the people who stayed in our home and there were those who invited us back to their home, giving ourselves and our children many new and exciting experiences and visits. I counted up recently the names in our visitor’s book and to date there have been 561 entries. Not 561 people as some came more than once, but the number of entries. That’s a lot of beds to make, linen to wash and meals to prepare. Won’t it be fun when we meet all those people in heaven though, and we know our lives were and are greatly enriched by every single visitor, even the difficult ones. So, having people stay in our home really did become a ministry in itself. Not that we thought of it as that, we just enjoyed meeting and getting to know people.

This was the time of the House Church Movement worldwide and as our Fellowship grew over the years we had to break down into smaller home groups while meeting altogether on a Sunday in a local hall. We also met once a month with the other Fellowships in the wider area. On a national basis we would hire the Royal Albert Hall in London for occasional gatherings. On a daily basis we helped each other in whatever way was needed, financial, looking after each others children, women shopping together etc. and we would regularly eat dinner with each other, not to mention the children’s sleep overs. We were one big family living in different houses but all close together and many in the same street.

We had started our own home school and I taught Home Economics to the older children, the class being run in my home. Today incidentally this school is a large thriving Christian School that caters for children over a very large area. Life should have been ideal and I am sure that for many it was, but for me I was living a lie although I did not really know it at the time. I still felt a failure, still suffered panic attacks, anxiety and depression. Yes, God had brought me through the drug withdrawal but I still was not healed, even though I went to every healing service that I heard of. God still had lots more to teach me and true healing, I believe, starts on the inside. What is the point of feeling better emotionally and still not understanding how to live in God’s presence?

There were times when having smiled and said all the right things to our guests before they left the house I would be in a heap as soon as they had gone. Some days I was terrified of Alan going to work and leaving me alone. There were also times when I was afraid to walk further than the end of my road. I would go into town and almost immediately have to come home. Travelling any distance from home became a nightmare.

I knew that something was not right. God had wrought a measure of healing in my life and I now know that He wanted it to be real and lasting and not a quick fix. He was keeping me in a place where I needed to rely on Him. He was building me into the person that He wanted. He is in control of the journey, He knows the beginning from the end, but I did not really know that then like I do now. To me if felt like nothing had changed except that I became more frantic as I tried to reconcile the reality of my life with what I believed to be the truth of the Gospel, Peace, Joy, liberation etc. So what did I do? I just got more involved, did more, including being a part of ‘Bind Us Together’ a follow on production from ‘Come Together’.

Eventually I came to a place where I felt that nothing worked, God did not care, it was just too hard to go on living. As you may have guessed, God knew differently and He had His ways of bringing me through this. Did He do it in one miraculous wave of a wand, no, He knows what is best for each one of us and continues to change us from Glory to Glory one degree at a time, as the Bible tells us.

MY STORY Chapter 12 - Climbing back up the Mountain

Names have been changed to protect privacy

The next significant chapter in my life was the birth of my children. The decision to start a family was initially put on hold through being at sea, and then living in limited rented accommodation. Then as the years of anxiety and depression took their toll, I didn’t feel that I could cope with pregnancy and Motherhood. However after 8 years of marriage I began to feel that I wanted children bad enough to go ahead in spite of all my fears. I didn’t feel that I would cope with pregnancy while working at a Geriatric Hospital so made the decision to retire from work first. This I did and became pregnant straight away.

After rededicating my life to Christ at the Billy Graham Crusade I was put in touch with a local church and we were beginning to make Christian friends. Two of the guys at church, Andrew and Tim had the vision to set up a Christian Rehabilitation Centre in the town, and immediately upon hearing that I had given up my job, asked me if I would get involved with them. They had to have a secretary before a charity could be formed. I initially offered them 6 months to get them started in view of the fact that I was pregnant. This 6 months stretched to over 6 years. I became the secretary, a founder member and voluntary worker.

Tim, who has long since died, was a volunteer with the Samaritans and he wanted to do much more for the clients than he was able to do through this very worthwhile charity. So with the help of Andrew and me, a new charity was formed. For 2 years the office for this Christian rehabilitation centre was run from my home and the clients in need of accommodation stayed at Tim’s home. It was during this time that my son and daughter were born.

As time went on and I was able to raise some funds, Tim sold his house and we bought a large house in the centre of the town where Tim and his wife became house parents. We took in people such as drug addicts, unmarried Mothers, ex-prisoners. The criteria for admission to the house, was that we would take in anyone with severe problems who wanted help but also had nowhere to live. Everyone who came knew that there would be a strong Christian influence on their lives. Some of the residents became Christians and others did not but all certainly left having seen the gospel in action. More helpers became involved with us and as funds came in we eventually also took over a small farm in the countryside where more long term residents were taken to stay.

However, in all of this, nobody knew of my inner turmoil, I was a professional at keeping things covered up and I was drugged up to the eye balls on prescribed medication. There were times at home when I was frightened to be left alone, frightened to go out, and on the very worst days Alan was afraid to leave the house. Years later he told me that after driving home he would sit in the car bracing himself for what he would find. I had a few mild accidental overdoses through mixing the wrong foods with my increasing reliance on medication.

Though all this time, Alan who did not profess to be a Christian, came with me to church and involved himself where he could with some of the residents in our centre. He gets on well with people, has a good sense of humour and people easily take to him. On the occasions when we did not have family stay with us at Christmas we would have a resident from the centre spend Christmas day with us.

However I knew that I was not experiencing the reality of what the Bible promised me and along with a friend we became very dissatisfied with what we were experiencing in our church. We began to seek out any meetings where there seemed to be much more life in the Spirit. One night when the family were asleep I began crying out to God and asking Him, “Where are you?” I immediately saw a vision/picture of Jesus dressed in white but He seemed to be hovering out of my reach. I called again and the vision/picture changed to Jesus on the cross with a crown of thorns around his head. Again I wasn’t satisfied and called out, “Where are you now?” I then felt a sudden impact like a physical thump on my chest and heard God reply, “I am right here inside of you”. It was some years before I understood the reality of this but the encounter did give me a renewed sense of peace. God was no longer someone out there and out of reach but a very real presence within me. I knew what I had experienced and nobody could take that away from me.

Another night while praying I found myself speaking in tongues and rejoicing like I never had before and knew that I had been baptized in the Spirit sitting in my own living room. I went back to bed excited and wondering what difference these experiences would make in my life. I was looking for reality and a gospel that would make a difference in people’s lives.

Shortly afterwards I began to realise how crazy and chaotic my life was becoming when I started to black out when I walked upstairs. This happened when I was in our rehabilitation centre one day and through this God started to show me how my life was really no different to the lives of the people I was trying to help. I knew this could not continue so with the renewed spiritual confidence that I was experiencing as a result of my recent encounter with God, I told a few close and trusted co-workers about the reality of my life. I had by now been taking several mind and mood altering medications for 10 years. I could not function without them, I was addicted. My first dose of Librium was taken before I could even get out of bed.

After much prayer together we decided that I would trust God in this and go cold turkey with the drugs. I had no idea what I was about to experience and although I was trusting God to see me through, I could never have managed without the help and support of those close friends that I had confided in. I went through 3 weeks of withdrawal hell. I could hardly get out of bed and would lie there sweating and shaking and trying to understand why my head appeared to be on the ceiling. The pain in my head was excruciating and I couldn’t eat or sleep. One friend came in during the day to look after my children while Alan was at work, another cooked and yet another would come and sit with me during the evenings. My children were used to being with me at the centre so they knew and were happy with those helping me. Eventually my symptoms lessened as my body adjusted.

Later when I visited my doctor he was horrified and told me that I could have died going cold turkey without medical supervision. He of course was not taking into account the part that God was playing in this. He did however insist that I take a reduced dose of Valium to give my body time to adjust. I initially took his advice but quickly realised, when side effects kicked in, that this was not helping me and for me the answer was to rely totally on God for the continued healing of my body and emotions.

Not too long after this we began to experience difficulties in our centre. We were becoming well known and more and more professionals were wanting to be involved with the work and local churches were supporting us financially. As nearly always happens in this kind of situation, 2 factions started to emerge. Those that wanted to take the more professional path and those of us who had begun this work as a pure faith venture. We had grown from a founding membership of 3 to a committee of over 30 people. So many changes followed and there were those that were happy to stay and those that felt it was time to move on.

It can be scary stepping out of the familiar but God has His seasons and can be totally trusted to take us on the next step of our journey. He replenishes with more abundance than we could ever ask for. He never lets us down as we trust our life to Him. So a new chapter and a new stage in the journey coming up.

MY STORY Chapter 11 Life Gets Messy

My young brother had returned to the North of England and I was trying so hard to live the prefect life. I became a perfectionist in everything I did, but also became depressed, agoraphobic and ridden with anxiety. I became afraid to eat and my weight plummeted to a little over 6 ½ stone (about 95 lbs), Anorexia before I even knew the word.

Here began a long road of addictive medication. On my first visit to my doctor, in my innocence I had thought that pills would make me better, so was only too happy to accept all that was offered, even hypnotherapy. The result was that over the next ten years I became addicted to a large number of prescription drugs until I was taking Anti-depressants 3 times a day, Librium 4 times a day and sleeping pills at night. This was in the early 60’s when the addictive quality of these pills was little known. They were the new wonder drugs. I also embarked on 5 years of Psychotherapy at the Tavistock Clinic, London’s leading psychiatric clinic at the time.

I tried to hold down my job and look as normal as possible on the outside whilst getting more desperate on the inside. A meal in a restaurant, a coffee in a coffee shop, a simple day out or a trip to the shops would all end prematurely as I would be overtaken with fear and panic. I suffered deep guilt and loss of self-esteem as I began to see myself as a failure and I could not understand my inability to cope with seemingly ordinary things. My Psychiatrist believed that a lot of my problem was suppressed anger and would do everything to try and get me to express this anger. The more he did, the more I clamped up. None of these treatments really helped me to overcome my current problems. I think the only benefit was that I developed more insight into situations.

During this time we had moved from our rented bed-sitting room to a rented one bedroom flat in Hampstead that was actually the converted top floor of a house, there being 2 flats beneath us. Two things happened while there that made us realise we needed to move on. After a change of tenants in the flat below we began to realise after a while that our telephone bills were higher than they should have been. Also on a couple of occasions I bumped into strange men on the stairs when I had got up during the night. It turned out that the girls in the flat below were running a ‘call girl’ set up and they had been coming into our flat during the day when we were at work to use our telephone.

So in 1965 we left London and bought a house in the north eastern suburbs. I was fortunate enough to be transferred from my position in a large London General Hospital to a local Geriatric Hospital where I worked as an assistant to the then Social Worker. Not too long after I started working there she moved on and after applying or her post and being successful, I became the Social Worker, taking care of the practical needs of 450 patients with the help of a secretary.

Unknown to anyone else I was becoming sicker and more reliant on medication to cope. I knew I needed help, that areas of my life were out of control, but how could I get back to that place where I knew that God was in control. I desperately wanted to hand my life back to Him. My answer came in the form of a Billy Graham Crusade in London, it was 1966. It wasn’t that I did not believe myself to be a Christian, just that I saw myself as a miserable failing one who just did not make the grade.

In desperation I persuaded my husband Alan, who was then not a Christian, to take me up to the Haringey Arena in west London. When we arrived the place was full to overflowing and we found a seat on the furthest away row, high up and at the back of the auditorium. When the appeal was given, in spite of the distance and the logistics of getting to the front, I was out of my seat like a shot. I ran for the nearest lift only to find it was being used by the St. John’s Ambulance for a medical emergency. To this day I do not clearly remember how I got to the front, but I did with tears pouring down my face, and I recommitted my life to Christ. Anyone at any time can get on their knees before God and re-commit or repent and ask Him into ones life, but for me at the time I needed to make this public declaration. I do not know how I managed to find Alan afterwards but I obviously did because he took me home.
Was this the end of my trials, definitely not, but it was the beginning of the next step of an incredible journey. God knows what He is doing as He takes us one step at a time, teaching us every step of the way through trials, suffering and joy. He perfects us through our experiences as we walk in the light trusting in Him. He finishes what He has begun and He changes us from one degree of Glory to the next. It may not feel like it at the time but He is a Gracious and Faithful God whose desire is to see us mature and find our completeness in Him. We will see how He does this in the years ahead as we travel through the continuing chapters

Our rented one bedroom flat in Hampstead

It was almost impossible to get two people in the kitchen at once

Very different to how young marrieds start out today

I have always loved reading

Changing hairstyles


This was a Vidal Sassoon